What is a Civil Society (Civility)?

The term civil society is ambiguous, sometimes referring simply to civility in society and sometimes referring to organizations outside of government and business, such as NGOs and so-called civil society organizations and civil society actors.

More detail on that latter usage will be explored in an upcoming informal paper entitled What is Civil Society? [UPDATE: That paper is now available: What is Civil Society?], as well as a recent paper entitled What is an NGO (nongovernmental organization)?.

This informal paper focuses on what makes a society civil — civility.

What is civility?

Although the traditional dictionary definition of civility rests simply on politeness and courtesy, civility is generally interpreted very broadly, covering the interactions and relationships of all individuals, groups, and organizations in society, including government and business.

At the simple and most basic level, civility governs direct interactions between two individuals, whether they are related, friends, colleagues, or complete strangers who may or may not have anything in common.

At the larger and more comprehensive level, civility governs our attitudes towards all other members of society, especially those with whom we have no direct interactions or much in the way of common interests, as well as interactions between individuals and groups, organizations, institutions, and all levels of government and business as well.

This paper takes the position that civility includes both the superficial behavior associated with etiquette, politeness, manners, etc. as well as the personality qualities that are driving or motivating behavior. What is excluded is the substance or content of behavior and expression.

Granted, a lot of the more complex interactions involving organizations are best explored in the context of the upcoming paper on civil society, but the basic interactions between individual members of society with each other and with officials and staff of government and business are covered here.

All of these interactions with and within government, business, and society as a whole are explored more broadly and abstractly in the papers Elements of Government and Elements of Society. This paper focuses on the detail of civility.

This paper will also explore the difficulties and challenges of pursuing civility.

Civic responsibility vs. civility

Civility relates not to the substance of our public actions, but their surface appearance and perception, how we feel about interactions, rather than the goals of those interactions.

In contrast, civic responsibility concerns the obligations and duties of citizens, including laws and rules, such as getting an ID or license to drive, jury duty, parking permits and restrictions, recycling requirements, reporting crimes, court appearances, voting, military service, running for office, etc.

Civility is also warranted for all of those civic responsibilities as well.

There may be some degree of overlap between civic responsibilities and civility.

More on civic responsibilities can be found in the Elements of Society paper.

Minimal civility

Although this paper takes the position that civility should be viewed in a very broad and fairly deep sense, it still makes sense to acknowledge that there is some minimal level of civility for even those situations where the broader and deeper sense of civility cannot be achieved or be justified or is desired.

It seems to make sense to define that minimum civility as the willingness to respectfully acknowledge the existence of each other, as well as a willingness to let each other pursue our own interests without harassment or interference.

Outright cheerfulness is probably beyond the minimum, but simple acknowledgement, superficial politeness, and respect for personal space, personal affairs, and privacy are surely the minimal.

Minimal civility has no real depth, no real sense of caring or responsibility. It is rather shallow and superficial.

The goal is not to minimize civility, but to assure that some level of civility is possible and common even when there are deep differences.

Common characteristics of civility

A multitude of qualities combine to make a society civil. This list may not be complete, but should probably cover at least 90% of what would constitute a comprehensive and complete list. This list of characteristics of civility is not presented in any particular order:

1. Mutual respect
2. Respect for the rights of others
3. Recognizing and respecting the dignity of others
4. Dignity and dignified behavior
5. Belief in the inherent good of all people
6. Giving others the benefit of the doubt
7. Respect for privacy
8. Respect for right to be left alone
9. Right to pursue personal affairs and interests without harassment
10. Acknowledgment
11. Courtesy
12. Chivalry or special courtesy to women
13. Holding a door
14. Picking up something someone dropped
15. Returning something someone lost
16. Politeness
17. Manners
18. Etiquette
19. Friendliness
20. Cheerfulness
21. Compassion
22. Sincerity
23. Expressing empathy
24. Generosity
25. Altruism
26. Benevolence
27. Seeking common ground whenever possible
28. Disagreeing without being disagreeable
29. Caring
30. Responsibility
31. Being a good neighbor
32. Allowing others their own space
33. Respecting personal space
34. Philosophy of live and let live
35. Welcoming and celebrating diversity
36. Tolerance for differences
37. Welcoming strangers
38. Welcoming visitors
39. Welcoming those with whom we disagree or even find offensive
40. Hospitality
41. Sharing power gracefully
42. Forgive and forget without grudges
43. Willingness and enthusiasm to give people a second chance
44. Accepting that occasional slights are to be accepted, gracefully
45. Accepting that even the most egregious offenses must be forgiven, without resentment
46. Reconciliation
47. Willing to apologize for offenses
48. Respect for authority
49. Respect for law
50. Sense of responsibility and obligation
51. Opportunity to participate in governance
52. Opportunity to run for public office
53. Significant degree of transparency, including or especially government and business practices
54. Public officials and businesses actively seek engagement with citizens, seeking input before taking action
55. Substantial methods of seeking redress of grievances
56. A fair, equitable, and unbiased justice system
57. Businesses treat customers as if they were family
58. Individuals and organizations alike ask permission and seek input before taking actions that have any kind of impact on individuals, their families, and their communities
59. Being considerate
60. Peaceful intentions
61. Kind words
62. Kindness
63. Telling the truth
64. Willingness to hear people out
65. Respectful discourse
66. Respectful dissent
67. Integrity
68. Honesty
69. Decency
70. Ethical standards and behavior
71. Thoughtful dialogue
72. Welcoming alternative points of view
73. Sensibility
74. Sensitivity
75. Honor
76. Distinction
77. Encouragement
78. Affirmation
79. Praise
80. Recognition
81. Giving credit
82. Thankfulness
83. Gratefulness
84. Taking an interest in others
85. Sense of community
86. Positive attitude
87. Desire to build and sustain relationships
88. Inclusion
89. Willingness to admit mistakes
90. Informed
91. Active
92. Interest in growth
93. Reflection
94. Self-awareness
95. Freedom and encouragement to experiment and take risks
96. Responsible experimentation and risk-taking
97. Respect for the golden rule — do unto others as you would have them do unto you
98. Mature behavior
99. Refraining from blowing up molehills into mountains
100. Patience
101. Perseverance
102. Striving to be a good example to others
103. Leading by example
104. Maintaining confidences and trust
105. Trusting others
106. Loyalty
107. Behaving as a gentleman
108. Behaving as a professional
109. Respect for professionals
110. Respect for officials
111. Sympathy for the misfortune of others
112. Special respect for the young, the elderly, the ill, and the misfortunate
113. Positive or reassuring hand gestures and facial expressions
114. Smiling
115. Nodding
116. Handshakes, pats, hugs, kisses, and other positive forms of casual physical contact
117. Playful (but respectful) physical contact
118. Clapping
119. Appropriate attire
120. Personal hygiene
121. Respectful eating habits
122. Restraint from unnecessary body noises
123. Respect for the religious practices of others
124. Respect for the disabilities of others
125. Joking and teasing, within respectful limits
126. Use of playful or complimentary nicknames that work to someone’s credit
127. Accepting and respecting that others may not share our beliefs
128. Accepting good and not demanding perfection
129. Deference
130. Concerned about implications and consequences before speaking or taking action
131. Standing in an orderly line without complaint
132. Not complaining about every perceived slight
133. Social drinking in moderation
134. Helpful
135. Help when someone has fallen
136. Pick things up when they have been dropped
137. Warn people of risks and danger

In short, no matter where a citizen turns they will encounter respect and be treated fairly, by fellow citizens, groups, organizations, businesses, and all levels of government.

Characteristics which reduce the civility of society

These characteristics of uncivil behavior are not presented in any particular order:

1. Disrespect
2. Unfairness
3. Selfishness
4. Hatred
5. Anger
6. Angry words
7. Rage
8. Violence
9. Threatening violence
10. Fighting
11. Quarreling
12. Arguing
13. Incitement
14. Unrestrained fury
15. Disruption
16. Rioting
17. Suspicion
18. Gossip
19. Secrecy
20. Deception
21. Narrow-mindedness
22. Intolerance
23. Isolation
24. Unfriendliness
25. Intrusion
26. Insincerity
27. Greed
28. Envy
29. Jealousy
30. Resentment
31. Irresponsibility
32. Thoughtlessness
33. Bias
34. Prejudice
35. Inequality
36. Inequity
37. Injustice
38. Illmannered
39. Impolite
40. Discourteous
41. Disrespect for the rights of others
42. Interference in the interests or affairs of others
43. Imposition and attempting to impose one’s will on another
44. Immoderate, harsh, coarse, crude, and foul language
45. Trash talk
46. Name-calling
47. Calling someone a liar
48. Calling someone an idiot
49. Mocking
50. Maligning
51. Disparaging
52. Crude gestures and expressions
53. Giving someone the finger
54. Obscene gestures
55. Invective
56. Immoderate behavior
57. Combative
58. Lying and misleading
59. Spite
60. Nastiness
61. Meanness, mean-spiritedness
62. Ignoring people
63. Willful ignorance
64. Unwillingness to hear people out
65. Dishonesty
66. Indecency
67. Cruelty
68. Bitterness
69. Vitriol
70. Disregard for ethical standards
71. Discouraging alternative points of view
72. Bullying
73. Belittling
74. Demeaning
75. Intimidation
76. Insensitivity
77. Cheating
78. Unthankfulness
79. Ungratefulness
80. Contempt
81. Scorn
82. Disdain
83. Derision
84. Ridicule
85. Discredit
86. Undermine
87. Non-peaceful protest
88. Mob-like behavior
89. Shouting
90. Yelling
91. Screaming
92. Hypocrisy
93. Heckling
94. Jeering
95. Death threats
96. Polarization and accepting or promoting division
97. Divided and seeking difference rather than common ground
98. Lack of a sense of community
99. Culture wars
100. Negative attitude
101. Disregard for building or sustaining relationships
102. Lack of inclusion
103. Exclusionary
104. Insularity
105. Disinterest in inclusion
106. Cliques
107. Unwillingness to admit mistakes
108. Ill-informed
109. Irresponsible experimentation and risk-taking
110. Lack of dignity and dignified behavior
111. Insults and insulting behavior
112. Personal attacks
113. Disrespect for the golden rule
114. Immature behavior
115. Immoderate behavior
116. Stepping on toes
117. Bruising egos
118. Running roughshod over others
119. Short-tempered
120. Easily angered
121. Blowing up molehills into mountains
122. Impatience
123. Being a bad example
124. Do as I say, not as I do
125. Shaming
126. Being inconsiderate
127. Betraying confidence
128. Betraying trust
129. Betrayal
130. Treachery
131. Behaving badly
132. Violating, invading, or encroaching on personal space
133. Spying on someone
134. Expressing glee at the misfortune of others
135. Lack of respect for youth, the elderly, the ill, and the misfortunate
136. Negative or disparaging hand gestures and facial expressions
137. Scowl
138. Snarl
139. Glare
140. Hitting, slapping, poking, pushing, shoving, or any other negative forms of physical contact
141. Slow clap
142. Inappropriate attire
143. Poor personal hygiene
144. Disrespectful eating habits
145. Lack of restraint from unnecessary body noises
146. Disrespect for the religious practices of others
147. Disrespect for the disabilities of others
148. Unwilling to apologize for offenses
149. Fake or insincere apologies
150. Fake civility — going through the motions to manipulate or gain advantage but without sincerity
151. Pressure
152. Harassment
153. Sexual harassment
154. Cold shoulder
155. Pick on
156. Torment
157. Hound
158. Tease in an unfriendly manner
159. Taunt
160. Use of fighting words
161. Rejecting good and demanding perfection
162. Fear
163. Unconcerned about implications and consequences
164. Intentionally mispronouncing someone’s name
165. Use of disparaging nicknames
166. Being a bad or indifferent neighbor
167. Indifference or callous disregard for community
168. Refusal to respect orderly lines
169. Complaining about every perceived slight
170. Immoderate consumption of alcohol

Violence in language

In a separate paper, Violence in Language, I explore the many words we use in language that connote violence and run the risk of using language as a bridge from speech to disruptive or even outright violent but certainly uncivil action.

Balancing free speech and civility

We all have the right to free speech, but with that right comes the obligation to respect the rights of others.

Civility is not an absolute obligation, so it is very possible for free speech to have the effect of uncivil treatment of others.

The point is not that free speech should be limited or that civility must take a back seat to speech, but simply that each of us is tasked with finding the right balance between pursuing our own interests and being respectful of others.

End, means, and civility

Even if the end might justify the means, where does that leave civility? All too often, civility is thrown under the bus in the name of expediency or even sometimes desperation.

Does the end really justify a lax attitude towards civility? Most commonly not, but there could be exceptional circumstances.

There is the issue of short-term ends vs. longer-term ends as well. All too often, short-term ends are themselves discarded as progress is eventually made towards longer-term ends, so the validity of a lax attitude towards civility for any immediate end is dubious at best.

In short, the end rarely justifies incivility, although in the extreme there may be special cases where civility is not the most urgent priority.

But a too-willing over-eagerness to discard civility in favor of expediency is not a good sign.

Civility and morality

Civility doesn’t usually rise to the level of a moral imperative. Similarly, morality doesn’t typically require or demand civility per se.

Morality is commonly seen as high-minded principle to be defended at all costs, while civility is typically relegated to the role of a nicety rather than an essential necessity.

That said, people commonly seem to cherish civility as much as if not more than many aspects of morality.

Nicety or necessity?

The evidence of public life seems to suggest that powerful people engaged in political, social, and economic struggles regard civility as more of an optional nicety rather than a mandatory necessity. That said, civility does seem to be the rule rather than the exception for most people in most situations. The difficulty is that those rare exceptions get quickly blown up out of proportion and poison the well far beyond their immediate significance.

A civility crisis?

Media and social media coverage of the exceptions to civility certainly do make it seem that there is an all-out civility crisis, but at the same time civility still seems alive and well in most corners of the world.

In short, the media, including the Internet, tends to act as a magnifying or amplifying device rather than an accurate ruler. So, any suggestion of a crisis should be taken with a large grain of salt.

Ethical

Whether civility is an ethical matter seems open to debate. Some groups or organizations may strongly recommend but not require it, others may not even bother to recommend it per se, and others may make it a mandatory requirement that is grounds for penalty or even expulsion.

At a personal level, civility seems to be more of a social norm than a high-minded moral or ethical standard. More a matter of common sense.

Still, at heart, good behavior is inherently an ethical matter.

Practical

In addition to being an ethical matter, civility is also practical. It is easier for people to get along and easier to work with and between groups, organizations, governments, and businesses when people are behaving in a civil manner.

Advantage of incivility

It certainly does seem that individuals and groups can gain at least a short-term advantage and power by selectively acting in an uncivil manner. Frequently that is merely an illusion, but a very powerful illusion it can be.

The ugly reality is that uncivil behavior can sometimes work, or at least appear to work, at least in the short-term.

Of course, acting uncivilly can mere invite a symmetric response, retaliation. Somehow, the chickens commonly come home to roost.

I would put incivility in the same category as making a pact with the devil — you get some short-term gain, but in the long run it just doesn’t end well.

Still, the lure of short-term advantage is very compelling. Just as drugs can be.

About all we can do is urge people to focus more on the longer term as well as the medium-term costs of incurring the downside risks of incivility.

Optional and voluntary

As valuable and important as civility is, it does seem that it really is still only optional, and strictly voluntary, except in limited contexts as noted above. Be that as it may, maybe that actually makes civility more valuable, showing that those who engage in civility value it rather than feeling merely forced or involuntarily obligated to it.

On the other hand, there probably is a fair amount of insincere civility, where the individual, group, or organization acts civilly for motives that are not strictly altruistic, possibly out of fear, possibly to maximize personal gain, or a desire to manipulate for gain.

Value and virtue

It seems safe to say that civility is seen as a value by most people, groups, and organizations.

And the practice of civility seems to be considered a virtue of individuals, groups, and organizations who practice it.

Granted, some may see civility as a sign of weakness, but that doesn’t in any way take away from its overall value to society as a whole and to individuals alike.

Priority

When confronted with the exigencies of daily life, a lot of pressure can be put to bear in favor of being lax with civility. The question then arises where the priority is when civility interferes or slows things down, such as when the pressure is intense to take shortcuts that may lead to toes being stepped on and bruising of egos.

What exactly is the priority of civility?

Is civility only a priority when things are easy and time is not of the essence?

Is civility no longer the priority when things get tense, urgent, and messy?

The only good answer may be that civility is always a balancing act, but with a thumb placed firmly on the scale in favor of civility.

Balancing act

Civility is not always free. Sometimes it takes a non-trivial amount of time, energy, attention, diligence, and perseverance that may be in very short supply.

But the difficulty of marshalling whatever is needed to achieve civility only serves to emphasize the need for careful and attentive balancing.

Generally, the balance should favor civility, even if on rare occasions the balance favors expediency.

The real point is that if incivility begins to occur with a significant frequency, it may very likely mean that the balance has gotten out of whack. The solution is then to step back, take a breath, and more consciously, thoughtfully, and mindfully consider what the best balance really should be. And to give a higher priority to civility.

Is incivility a right?

Consistent with civility being strictly optional and voluntary, it is implied that an individual has an inherent right to be uncivil. Not that incivility is a good thing, but society is all the better when all that is good flows from free will rather than being forced or obligated.

In other words, civility gains much of its value from sincerity, that the superficial behavior reflects a willful and heartfelt respect for others.

Is civility an obligation?

This gets tricky. First off, it is super-great when people act in a civil manner. No question about that. Yeah, and I guess it’s true that most of us would prefer that everybody else should feel at least some semblance of needing to generally behave in a civil manner. But, once you cross the line and insist that civility is an inviolate obligation, you slide down the slippery slope that strips away the humanity and great social value of voluntary choice, free will, that would otherwise make superficial behavior sincere and meaningful.

In short, yes, you SHOULD behave in a civil manner, but that should be because of heartfelt sincerity, not because you feel some externally forced obligation.

Civility may be obligated in some contexts, more in the sense of decorum and professional conduct, such as in a religious service, a courtroom, or an office.

Civility can be more obligated in confined spaces, such as planes, trains, buses, waiting rooms, smaller parks, sidewalks, and entranceways.

What to do when civility fails

What can you do when you feel overwhelmed by incivility? Civility provides the answer: persevere and lead by example. Civility is the best answer to incivility.

Civility is the best answer to incivility

That bears repeating. Endlessly.

Limits of civility

Is it possible to be too civil? Are there situations where civility is unwarranted?

Generally speaking, civility is always warranted and virtually always the best policy.

Of course, as with any general rule, there will always be exceptions.

If an individual indicates either directly or indirectly that they do not wish to interact civilly or even at all, there is no point pursuing civility beyond superficial politeness and so-called minimal civility, respecting their privacy and right to be left alone. The point is not to respond by being uncivil, but to assure that a minimal level of civility is maintained.

Is incivility ever warranted?

Yes, there are quite a few situations where civility simply isn’t effective or even appropriate, such as:

• War. Although even there, civility is the rule for most interactions. Only in the heat of battle does civility lose its value.
• Revolution. Constant struggle. Occasional opportunities for civility, but not the norm.
• Self defense when physically assaulted or threatened with grave bodily harm.
• Law enforcement when a threat is perceived. Short of a perceived threat, civility should be the norm.
• Disasters or emergencies when there simply isn’t time for formalities as potential harm is imminent.
• Formal ceremonies or procedures when stricter rules of behavior override more casual civility.

There is the old saying that all’s fair in love and war. That’s actually an overstatement, but the general sentiment holds even if there remains a strong admonition to engage in civility to the extent that it is humanly possible.

Protest and peaceful assembly

As a general proposition, peaceful assembly is normally expected to occur with the utmost regard to civility and respectful of the rights of others. That’s the ideal, but too commonly civility falls victim to a combination of expediency and passion.

Protest is nominally intended to be peaceful assembly, but that ideal is frequently not the case.

There is an ethical split among protesters — some insist on civility as a matter of principle while others feel it would be unreasonable to constrain their resistance to civil behavior.

Civil disobedience

Civil disobedience is a longstanding social tradition, but not technically a recognized or protected right. Technically, by definition, it is against the law — it wouldn’t be called civil disobedience if no law were broken.

Civil disobedience tends to be marked by a significant sense of civility as a matter of tradition, although that generality of civility is belied by frequent exceptions.

Professional civility and decorum

Each profession will have its own customized rules for civility or decorum.

For example, a doctor, attorney, or clerk will generally interact with a patient, client, customer, or colleague with a form of decorum that is more formal than if two friends or two strangers were interacting. A form of professional friendliness may also be pursued, even though there is no non-professional friendship outside of the professional relationship.

In any case, it is especially important for a professional to act with a robust level of civility towards patients, clients, customers, colleagues, and management.

Worker civility and decorum

Similar to professionals, the relationships between non-professional workers, managers, and customers are expected to exhibit a robust level of decorum and civility that is more formal than the more casual civility of friends and strangers.

Civility of relatives

Technically, relatives should exhibit civility at all times, but the reality is commonly far from such an ideal. Why that is so is beyond the scope of this informal paper.

That said, a significant degree of civility is very common between relatives and certainly to be both recommended and expected, even if the exceptions can appear rather overwhelming at times.

Civility is the best policy

As a general proposition, it feels safe to conclude that civility is generally the best policy.

Individuals, groups, organizations, government, and business should always strive to provide the time, space, and energy for civility.

That said, there are always exceptions to every rule. Part of civility is accepting that you won’t always be treated as civilly as you would like and not always have the time, space, and energy to act as civilly as you would like.